Give it a read... it's like talking to me.

I seriously wish I could remember half the shit I mean to post in here. I've had a few of those life-changing revelations recently too. Hmmm.

I mopped my floor yesterday. Really starting to like my bedroom. Not so much the apartment, since even though I picked the roommate, I still feel that he took it over and it doesn't belong to me. I just wish this size apartment could be in Manhattan, and that it didn't have to be like, 5,000 bucks.

Still unemployed. I followed the leads I had with people that knew people, mostly through Jeff, b/c he rules, but came up empty handed so far. It'd be nice if Tom & Jerry's, AKA Bar 288 ended up picking me. The manager (owner?) seemed to like me once I managed to sneak in that I knew Shelby and that she referred me/spoke on my behalf. They need a Saturday night and a few day shifts. Sounds good to me. I don't particularly care for day shifts, but Jo (manager) said that they do all business during happy hour and weekend nights.... so she's not psycho like Vicki, expecting me to ring 500 bucks on a Tuesday afternoon. She also liked my resumee and the variety of places I've been in. The jukebox is pretty sweet, they show films on the projector, and the piece de resistance, THEY HAVE A CAT! A bar cat. Rizzo. She's the cutest. I can totally spend my day shifts there, if I have a cat to play with.

So I spend my days cleaning, and organizing. I've managed to ever so slightly trim some bulk out of my belongings, by things like regrouping, and reorganizing, and just throwing shit out. I went through my nail polish and found this of note:
     - Not only did I have over 15 bottles of green/turquoise family nail polishes...
     - I had three pairs of the EXACT same color.
What that says about me, I don't know, but I paint my nails almost exclusively pink, red, or black now, so I got rid of a ton of it.
I've been going through my CDs, burning them, and getting them ready for sale. I'll list them here, and see what happens. I know CD's aren't in the highest demand in NYC what with the invasion of the iPods, but maybe near you, you'd like to grab a few classics for a couple bucks. Who knows? I could sure use the money. Think of it as a charity garage sale, lol.

I feel like I have so much I could be doing, and that I'm not. I feel like if I don't make it on Broadway... or in any way in theater, that I'll have let people down. People that expect big things from me. But I don't even know if that's what I want anymore. And then if it's not, then what the hell DO I want to do with my life? I don't want to be a career bartender, though seriously, at this point, I really ENJOY it. I want to learn some flair and be a rockstar bartender... but then what?
Things I've thought about:
     - Hairstylist: I've been into hair since I can remember. Both parents were hairdressers, I cut and color my own and have done so for most of my friends. I think I'd enjoy that? And it pays really well if you can find a nice place. Allows for a lot of flexibility, which I need, and creative expression, which is always nice. Downside is, school in NYC will be wicked expensive, and I can barely keep my head above water as it is. Then when you start at a salon, you're like shit. They treat you like a slave, shampoos, blow outs, sweeping, etc... and I know I'd be miserable. I'd also need the cosmetology license to be a...
     - Professional Makeup Artist: Another thing I've always enjoyed. I have pictures of me and my girlfriends from days we'd spend playing in makeup and having theme nights... but you need the same license to apply makeup... lots of money, then getting a rep and being lucky enough to be successful.
     - Clothing "designer": I put the quotes there, because I don't really want to totally MAKE clothes, just tear them up, paint them, stitch them, pin them, and redo them. But I doubt any money could be made here.
And with all of these I'm left wondering, "Why have I let my dream for theater die?" I went so far... I have a degree... a $27,000 degree at that.
I want to make people proud of me. I want to let people know that there is success out there if you want it badly enough. But what kind of example could I be if I just let it slip away?

     Anyone have ideas about how I could raise some money from home?
Seriously... I'm down for suggestions.

Anyway, I decided, with much yelling/arguing/support from the rest of my family to press charges against Joy for the credit card issues. I guess I have nothing to lose, just a fair amount of time, and sleep. I guess since I admitted that I knew who opened the card back in February, Discover considers it MY valid debt, and is going forward with legal action. So that leaves me to file a police report. Against the woman who called herself my mother. Good times.

Hmmm... some good news. Let's see. My boy is pretty great. My cats are pretty great. My friends are pretty great.

I know I'm still ahead of the game, but why does it feel like I'm drowning?